by Evert Cilliers aka Adam Ash
First off, over 50% of Wall Street bankers suffer from erectile dysfunction. They can't get it up. So ladies, don't date a Wall Street banker. You won't get fucked, unless he has a chauffeur you can turn to. Your banker can take you to Paris, but he can't ring your bell. Wall Street bankers have floppy winkies. Can you imagine being so stupid as to choose a profession that will compromise your very manhood? Well, that's how dumb Wall Street bankers are.
Furthermore, Wall Street bankers don't do anything remotely socially useful. They don't make things. They don't create. They don't help or heal or advance society, like teachers and nurses and doctors and cops and firefighters and scientists and industrialists. All they do is move money around. That's it. A really dumbass way to spend your life. Imagine this is the epitaph on your gravestone: “I lived for money.” It's got to be the dumbest choice anyone can make about what to do with your blessed one-time-around-only human life. Especially if phrased thusly: “I gave up boners to live for money.”
Because they're so useless at making an honest living, what do Wall Street bankers do? They cheat. They commit fraud. They rig things in their favor. They rip off their clients. They sell stuff to clients that they know they're going to bet against. They despise their clients. They become criminal to make money. They're common thieves, which is certainly another dumb way to make a buck.
It's not like it takes smarts to make money on Wall Street. How difficult is it to make money when the Fed hands you millions at near-zero interest and you get to play with it in any number of fraudulent schemes? Do you have to be smart do that? No, just dumb. It's the perfect occupation for a dumbass who can't think of anything better to do; who is incapable of doing anything better; who is happy to be a mere money fodder funnel.
I once met some folks who did catering on Wall Street, and they told me that the people who work for Goldman Sachs are really mean. Like nasty to waiters and stuff. Why is that? I asked. Well, they said, after a few years of working 16 hours a day, these poor bastards realize that they'll never have a life, that they're totally fucked, that they're total suckers, and that all they are working for is the truckloads of crooked money. They have no time for themselves, for doing actually human things, and for living an actually human life. So they get resentful and mean and nasty and take it out on everyone else around them.
Listen up, parents: don't let your progeny go to Wall Street. They won't have a good life there. It's the place where dumbasses are bribed by many Benjamins to go and work themselves to death. It's a Treblinka for Harvard and Yale graduates. Only dumbasses need apply, and they do. If you want to join a fraternity of dumbasses, go to Wall Street.
Also, Wall Street bankers have more and bigger manboobs than real men. All the coffee and alcohol and drugs they do take a toll on their health, and make them fat. Fat produces estrogen. They have a testosterone deficiency. They end up being half-men. They become menopausal long before real men do.
They also suffer from anxiety, and take large quantities of addictive prescription medicines like benzodiazepines, which they will order from different doctors to get more of the stuff. They end up with embarrassing ticks. They become nail biters, nose pickers and hair twirlers. A Wall Street banker who doesn't get as big a bonus as he expected, will live in fear of breaking the news to his wife. It's the life of a rich little poor sap, being a Wall Street wanker.
That's why Wall Street bankers are such whiners. The world doesn't appreciate them, they feel. It freaks them out that their reputation lags somewhere behind that of used-car salesmen and pimps. Their wives become ashamed of what their husbands do. Wall Street bankers worry that they are pariahs.
And they find it really hard living on a mere million or more bucks a year. What with the second house in the Hamptons, three kids in private schools, nannies, and a trophy wife who lunches at Bergdorf's after she's bought an entire fall collection for herself, bankers are living on the financial edge. They feel they could be bankrupt any day. Poor buggers. Well, it's your fault you chose such a dumb lifestyle in the first place.
Just about the only thing Wall Street bankers are good for, is tanking their own industry. Like they did in 2008. Imagine a collection of folks who manage to deep-six their ENTIRE industry. In other fields of human endeavor, you might find a company or two going down here, or a CEO or three who screws up there … but who is so dumb in their collective dumbfuckery as to bring down their whole industry in one fell swoop? Imagine an industry where EVERYONE fails — that's Wall Street. Man, you've got to be really dumb to do that. You've got to have world-class global dumbness that pervades your entire existence, from top to bottom, from one end of the industry to the other, in every damn company and nook and cranny. It's one dumbass after another as far as the eye can see. Masters of the universe, my ass. Masters of dumbfuckery, that's more like it.
And then, of course, they're not man enough to take responsibility for it. Or clean up their own mess themselves. They run to Washington to help them out. Welfare queens of the first order. Please save us, we're so dumb we've just committed mass suicide, like lemmings. So please help us, all you good people whom we've also fucked with our global dumbfuckery. Ex-Goldman Sachs CEO Hank Paulson, then Treasury Secretary, went down on his knees in front of Nancy Pelosi to beg her for a bail-out. What wuzzes. What wimps.
Do you want to be Wall Street banker? Well, then, good luck with being a whining, wimpy, anxiety-ridden, manboobed, nasty, mean, criminal dumbass who can't get it up. Go join the sociopaths on Wall Street. Oh, that's another thing: there are more sociopaths on Wall Street than in any other field of human endeavor.
But then, of course, we're not talking about human endeavor here. We're talking about a weird species of carbon-based life form that dwells on Wall Street. The place for dumbasses. For absolute masters of the universe of dumbasses.