“Mental-Rental”™ – a Device to Destabilize Capitalism

by Liam Heneghan

I hastily submitted this patent last week to provide an effective tool to further our revolutionary aims. This simple invention provides a novel mechanism to assist the Occupy Wall Street movement in bringing the system to its knees. Those who cannot march in the streets with Occupy Wall Street and yet who also inarguably Hate the Man™ and want to Destabilize the Status Quo™ can foment radical change from the comfort of home by deploying Mental-Rental™.

Patent Abstract

This simple notion, supported by a preformatted spreadsheet and a smart-phone “app”, is designed to calculate the mental exertion and botheration inflicted by mental parasitism by commercial jingles, catchy slogans, compelling catchphrases, easily recognized trademarks and mMental Rental0001_1any other mechanisms devised to coax you to buy useless pieces of shit. A set of accompanying tools calculates in the form of rent what is due to you for the occupancy of your mind. Mental-Rental™ also produces an itemized bill demanding cash compensation from offending commercial entities. These agitatory tools are supported by a synchronized website where you can track in real time the degree to which you have wounded capitalism as those exorbitant rental fees accrue. The system is fully integrated with Facebook and Twitter and with online banking.

Other U.S. Patent Documents by this Inventor

  1. Heneghan et al. 2005The Left-Shifting Mirror (a reflective surface that gives the mirror-gazer the impression of being more radical than is the case. Also, the claim extends to the device’s capacity to make fascists appear more reasonable under the heft of their own self-scrutiny).
  2. Heneghan and Dickens, 2009 – Cloned Tittlebats (a gene sequence from a common bat (Pipistrellus pipistrellus) is introduced into the common stickleback fish diminishing their eyesight and causing the fish to fly fitfully above water; I also claim a device for removing fish from your hair.)

What is claimed?

I claim the following:

  1. The bright idea of charging rent to commercial entities for the mind-space in which they squat, rent-free, occupying it with their infernally memorable advertisements.
  2. A supporting contention of claim 1, namely that your mind might very well be put to better use if it were not jammed up humming that Coca-Cola jingle.
  3. The further supporting contention that since you can’t remember where you flung your keys, the capacity of the palace of your mind is clearly limited because of its occupancy by freeloading catch-phrases.
  4. A device to monitor the effects associated with claim 1 and the supporting claims 2 and 3, and which quantifies the level of mind-occupancy by catchy jabber.
  5. A spreadsheet pre-populated with a register of unwelcome mind-guests, along with a Leikert scale with which to objectively assess levies and other sundry charges (see Fig 1).
  6. The scale in claim 5, which starts with “Maddeningly singable” to “Leave my mind, satanic melody.” (See Fig 1).
  7. A special addendum to the scale mentioned in claim 6 for all commercials featuring Feist.
  8. An app for your iPhone that identifies that damned song aggravatingly roaming through your mental motel (for instance, the rap in the Kia commercial performed by vermin); the app communicates your distress through social media while it also locates the cheapest purchasing option for that track.
  9. A billing process that translates your disgruntlement over lost rents into a fancy legal letter that begins “Dear Capitalist Swine”.
  10. A swell badge on your blog that displays the degree to which you have disrupted the status quo.
  11. A “use-at-your-own-risk” prototype for connecting your mind and phone in order to enhance functionality and eliminate subjectivity (see Fig 2).

Technical Field of InventionMental Rental0001

This invention follows in the venerable tradition of the work of other revolutionary geniuses like Karl Marx, Jesus Christ, Gandhi, and Wolfie Smith. Unlike these great forefathers Mental-Rental™ “ironically” subverts capitalism by capitalizing upon the act of subverting it. An unfortunate byproduct is wealth creation.

Background and Summary

I have been assured by several of my colleagues in the university’s Department of English that capitalism is a bad thing. Professors in the Philosophy Department, if I have understood them correctly, agree. I am a scientist and don’t make value judgments but accepting their wise council that Somebody, Somewhere, should do Something (SSS, or ThriceS™) about capitalism, I therefore put on my “Thinking Cap”™ and puzzled on the problem. My solution to this social scourge is based upon somewhat solid scientific foundations.

For instance, I once read a research paper, or perhaps one of my professors mentioned it, or maybe I came across it in a tweet, where octopi were encouraged to fondle objects with each of their arms, after which those arms were surgically hacked off. In cases where arms were removed hours after object fondling, these creatures has some sort of Molluscan Memory™ of the objects. On the other hand, a rapidly butchered octopus remembers nothing. Convincing evidence, you’ll agree, that Memory-is-Molecular® and takes up physical space. A molecule may not seem like much, of course, but heaven only knows how many molecules are released by endless repetitions of “Frosted Lucky Charms… They're magically delicious!” For every scrumptious morsel in the gullet there is a molecular glut in the mind™.

Think about a stroll down Main Street during the festive season. “Do they know it’s Christmas?” or “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” or “I’m Dreaming of A White Christmas” is repeating to the point that the ole brain’s Yule-capacity is exhausted like a festively decorated but very damp kitchen rag. Too exhausted to calculate the cost as you jostle the herd for a place at the seasonal buying trough? Don’t worry, Mental-Rental ™ calculates the cost and puts a little spending cash back in your pocket. That letter would start: “Dear Capitalism Swine Storeowner”, or “Dear Sir Bob Geldof, you capitalist swine, even though you owe me nothing for your work with the Boomtown Rats, or for your solo career, nevertheless etc.”

In addition to the science behind Mental Rental™ I know to my cost what can happen when the mind is colonized by a pack of spongers. In 1974 song from ELO’s fourth album “Eldorado” entitled “I Can’t Get It Out of My Head” got stuck in my head and resulted in my failure of the Intermediate Certificate Exam. “Dear Jeffrey Lynne, you electifyied capitalist pig, back rent is now past due…”

A full economic treatment of Mental Rental™ by the “intellectual skunks” and “lack-ademics” in “lack-ademia” will reveal through their rigorous bourgeois analysis how much wealth distribution will occur as a consequence of this tool. Suffice it to say it will be lots and lots. Those with more susceptible minds will make out best – the weak minded will make out like bandits.

Summary: “If you can hum it, they can pay it.”™ The question of “what is to be done?” is thus answered.

The term Mental Rental™ is exempt from rent by the terms of agreement in your iTunes account.

MRI-1

Fig 1. The application running on an iPhone. Fig 2. The author demonstrating the prototype “use-at-your-own-risk” prototype for connecting your mind and phone. Fig 3. Mental-Rental logo.

Link to United States Patent and Trademark Office here

Follow me on Twitter @DublinSoil for 140 character updates on my columns. Links to previous 3QD columns here.

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