The Time Has Come To Arm Our 6-Year-Olds With Assault Weapons

by Evert Cilliers aka Adam Ash

After the tragic events at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, we as a nation have come to a crossroads. 

No longer can we abide the excuses of gun control advocates, whose policies make us vulnerable to murder and assassination. This is a stark and incontrovertible fact: if only one of those dead 6-year-olds had come to their kindergarten class armed with a high-powered Glock with a magazine of at least 50 rounds, this tragedy could have been averted. Instead of the gunman spraying defenseless children in a hail of bullets, one single 6-year-old could have taken him out in a fatal miasma of deadly homicidal metal. 

And today all those dead children could have been tucked away by their grateful parents as lively youngsters sleeping contented in their peaceful little bunk beds. Alive and thriving, they could have gone on to the good life in America, the best country in the world, where everyone is guaranteed a fair shot at the American Dream, as long as you're born fairly well-off to start with.

And if all twenty of these 6-year-olds had been armed, they could've have riddled the gunman till kingdom come, his body a mess of dismembered bits of mangled bullet-puckered tissue with little pieces of brain matter leaking out of his ears. 

It is incumbent upon our weapons manufacturers to come up with new child-friendly designs: smaller gun handles that can fit comfortably into a 6-year-old fist, with hair triggers that respond immediately and sensitively to the slight pressure of a 6-year-old trigger finger.

It is also incumbent upon all kindergartens and elementary schools to immediately devote the greater part of their daytime teaching to gun practice, and to turn their corridors into shooting galleries.

But our will to action should roam further than even the kindergarten or our concern for the safety of toddlers. An investigation should be launched into how children can learn proficient gun skills in utero. If children were raised in the womb as gun-savvy fetuses, they would be well fitted for modern life. The basic idea is to have our American babies emerge from the vagina with guns blazing, ready to mow down any assassin bearing down upon them in the maternity ward. Because there should be no doubt about this: now that a gunman has shot up an elementary school, a kindergarten is the next target, and the target after that will be a maternity ward … and after that, an attack on the unborn children themselves where they sleep defenseless in their nurturing wombs. An abortionist might think twice if he knew he would have to face a well-armed fetus ready to pop him one if he gets anywhere near said fetus with his evil pincers. 

Let's face it: in today's America, our kids should learn to shoot before they can talk. What use is the English language against a madman with a lethal weapon? Screaming "stop!" in no uncertain terms cannot do the work of a well-aimed bullet between the eyes, or a spray of lead decimating the gonads, causing the gunman to drop his weapon as he tries to save his manhood from being severed from his torso and falling on the floor.

Let this tragedy strike us where we need it to strike us -- not only in our hearts, grieving for the senseless loss of young life, but also in our common sense, which must urge us to action and the immediate nationwide armament of all our children in kindergarten and elementary school. 

We know the very sensible and gun-compassionate NRA will speak up for us, since they have always led the charge for the spread of guns among our population, in a celebrated history of freedom for all sensible gun owners, and of contributing campaign funds to the only sensible political party about gun rights, the Republican Party. Who dares speak ill of them? Does the NRA have the blood of innocent children on their hands? No. Are they the sort of people who aren't really hunters, but macho mighty-mice men mired in fantasies of needing a gun for "self-defense," a really stupid rationalisation of a megalomaniac power wish so fierce and an inferiority complex so deep that the need for a gun as "self-defense" actually covers a desire for the power to kill anyone who looks at you twice? No. Are they and the GOP the sort of people who want to have guns so that, once they have dismantled America's safety net, they will be free to shoot the poor and black and immigrant people who, homeless and hungry, will be forced to trespass on the kitchens of gun owners for food? No. Are NRA and GOP members looking forward to that day, when they will be able to gleefully mow down the people they have forced into poverty? No, no, and no again. These are not the fantasies of gun owners and those perceptive folks who bought guns when Obama first became president and the NRA and gun manufacturers kept saying Obama wants to take your guns away. Never. Au contraire. It's the gun-control hippie peacenik freaks who are at fault. As Larry Pratt, executive director of Gun Owners of America, stated in no uncertain terms: "Gun control supporters have the blood of little children on their hands. Federal and state laws combined to ensure that no teacher, no administrator, no adult had a gun at the Newtown school where the children were murdered. This tragedy underscores the urgency of getting rid of gun bans in school zones."

Let us act now. Let us put weapons in the hands of our 6-year-olds. They cannot remain defenseless targets for madmen with guns. Give our 6-year-olds the means to protect themselves: kid-friendly guns and professional training so they can fight back. No more shilly-shallying from Congress. Act now. 

As for the gun-control wingnuts in our midst, it's time for them to STFU. Are these people serious? More to the point, are they sane? How can they call themselves responsible parents? What do they want -- to slap a sales tax of 1,000% on assault weapons? Are they crazy? Guns don't kill people -- people kill people. Who are these gun-control loony parents who by advocating the restriction of gun ownership, are making it clear that they prefer to see their children lying in deep pools of oozing, spurting, gushing, innocent young blood? We don't need to hear one more word of caution from the wimpy pusillanimous jeremiads of these crazy gun-control freaks out there, complaining bitterly about the dangers of guns in the wrong hands. The nation's guns are in the wrong hands already. It's time to put assault weapons in the right hands, the hands of our 6-year-olds. 

We let our kids play shoot-'em-up video games -- it's but a small and very logical, natural step to arm them for real. Let the superb hand-eye coordination that our 6-year-olds develop from playing violent video games, be put to good use in the real world, where crazy gunmen await our children around every corner. No matter how determined an adult gunman is, he wouldn't stand a chance against a video-game-skilled 6-year-old. Have you seen how these kids work a video game control panel? By the time an adult has blinked once, they have obliterated twenty monsters. 

Our 6-year-olds are our investment in the future. Invest in their welfare now. Give all our 6-year-olds guns ASAP. Armed to the teeth, they will be able to take care of themselves, without the interference of wimpy, irresponsible adults. Let us raise an army of children to take on the maniacs in our midst. Let 6-year-olds have the means to stand their own ground by themselves. Now is the time for 6-year-olds to get behind their guns and shoot the grownups!